Ryder and Rustin...
You don't realize it now, but I put up shields. I work hard to be tough. I try and not share with too many people the problems that plague me. Usually you two boys and Daddy take the brunt of it. I get upset over spilled milk and crumbs in the car. Things that really don't matter.
I haven't told you everything that's going on, but there is something that has been adding to my short temper. It's not your burden to carry and I've tried to protect you from it. I've been praying and I've told you I've been praying. Rustin...you said to me..."Mommy- I'll pray too...that God won't make me so loud and you won't get upset with me.". Oh sweet boy...that was God speaking to Mommy through you. I should be joyous in your excitable spirit that is so hard to contain you find yourself shouting into the Heavens. Today I realized...it's not my burden anymore than it's yours...I just have to release it to Him. I don't think I was ever fully willing to do that...but He made himself very present to me this morning. So present that I was moved to tears by His peace. Peace, Love, Joy...all together in one place.
I watched you both... the two biggest accomplishments of my life walk into church this morning. We were at the chapel right by your new school. A school I was torn over all last year and summer. Was it the right place to send you or not? Every sign in the road pointed in its direction and that's the place we went. You are there together and it is so small and very close to home. As I sat in church watching you...I could hardly believe that you belong to your Daddy and me! You are so handsome and so grown up. The church was filled with children ranging from 3 years old to 14 years old and not a one of you made a peep... all of the sudden an angelic voice from above me started singing..."Lord Prepare Me...to be a Sanctuary..."....after the first chorus all of you began singing...there was no music behind your voices...it was just you. Tears ran down my face...I hadn't heard that song in so many years...but it was exactly the answer I've been looking for.
God is humbling. He puts forward what is most important in our lives...and even if it hurts in the process aren't we all better off in the end? It's all part of the preparation to be a Sanctuary for Him.
We'll keep praying. Pray for Grandaddy and that the doctors can make him healthy again, pray for Grandpa and that the doctors can free his back of pain without complications, and pray for all of us who love them so dearly!
Love you my sweet boys more than you love eating Cinnamon Toast Crunch...and that my angels is a lot of loving!